Held Together By Love

Held Together By Love

Well, to say that it's been a long time since my last post would be quite the understatement!  Some of you may be wondering what in the world is going on with our adoption, others might think we took our fundraising money and jet set for Santorini (actually we would have only made it to the middle of the Atlantic) and a few of you know the whole story....which I finally will share publicly.  

One of my hesitations for sharing this publicly is because I wanted to be able to give responses to questions or comments....especially if the remark was made "but I thought God said".  I wanted to be able to defend God ... but then I remembered Job.  God needs no defense.  He is who He is and I love Him for that.

Last September we learned that the middle man on our case wasn't so honest.  To be blunt, he lied, deceived, betrayed us and sabotaged our adoption.  By the time we learned about this, our two children were in someone else's arms.

The news came as a blow and to be honest, we couldn't go on with adopting...anyone.  We stopped learning Spanish and put the paperwork on hold.  Then the Big Thompson Flood came a week later and our evacuation was a much needed diversion from the situation at hand.  We moved to Loveland for 4 months and got very involved in local activities that kept us busy.  Late winter, I went to a special evening to hear the testimony of a friend who had just adopted.  Their story was quite amazing but the thing that caught me off guard was the fact that this little girl had been in multiple homes before finding my friend's family as her forever home.  This little girl was the victim (really?) of failed adoptions and they led her to her current home where she is thriving!

Somewhere along the way that evening, my heart began to beat again....I did feel the pain of loss again but I also felt something different....hope.  

Early Spring, when we should have been getting our children, we were scheduled to meet a little girl that other friend's had adopted from Colombia.  We were on the same track as they were and should have been introducing each to the other's child, but that's not how it worked out.  I'm not gonna lie, we were a little nervous about the meeting because I didn't know what kind of emotions would be evoked....and my children, they were a little apprehensive as well.  Finally, the big day came and the most surprising thing happened.  Our hearts burst with love for this little girl and we all knew that the impossible was possible.  We could love other children the way we had loved J&J!  We were ready to begin the process again!

So, the process to adopt is underway.  Regarding J&J, well, we believe as much today as we did then that they are our children.  How that will play out is really God's business.  He asks us to trust Him and so we do.  We cannot pray that their adoption will fail because that means we are praying that they would endure further pain and disappointment.  We do pray for them, however, that God will bless them and keep them and that His will would be done in their lives.  If that involves us at some point in the future, God knows our hearts and our home will always be open to them....or if our place in their lives is just to love them and pray for them and then we meet them someday in Glory, then so be it.   God is not a man that He should lie.  He is faithful to His promises and He keeps His word.  How He does that is His business and it is mine to trust Him.

Meanwhile, we are waiting to see who the Lord will bring us.  It's a little different this time around because we don't know who the children are that we are adopting but God does.  We trust Him that He will bring to us those that belong with us.

If I had written this post months ago, I'm certain it would have been more emotional and less direct and to-the-point, but I'm writing it now, from Mexico, and to be honest, I'm writing from a very real place....an orphanage... where every day I take care of children who have been abandoned or who have parents who died.  My adoption story isn't so dramatic or emotional when I look into the eyes of children who hurt so deeply that only the finger of God will be able to wipe away their tears.  The fears here that some of these children have are so great that when I think that I feared what people would think about us (since we had made so bold a statement about J&J), it exposes my pride and I am ashamed.  It's one thing to be sitting at home in the comfort of your life pursuing an adoption but it's another thing to be here holding children that will most likely, never be adopted.  Yes, this is an amazing place. The children are loved, safe and want for

nothing....except a family.  This is the reality of Mexico's orphans and millions of others and my story is about the reality of what you will do when you say "yes" to God....what you might go through when you say "yes" to God. It might be losing it all or gaining the world but is it about you or is it about Him?  Is it about believing that you belong to Him for Him to do what He wills with your life, possessions and emotions?  They were purchased for His use, for His glory.  Becoming Love isn't easy.  Sometimes He gives and sometimes He takes away.  Sometimes He does it all at the same time but what is love's response?  Do we pout and quit or do we stand our ground and determine to be available no matter the cost?    

How could I have thought that my heart could only love J&J...sure, God's fingerprints were all over it but to think that His hand couldn't hold someone else for us love...really? .... I couldn't believe how selfish my heart could be.   Where was my faith?  For months it was in what I could see, the promises, the dreams.  Today, I stand sobered because of my surroundings and yet, full of faith....in God....the one I cannot see yet the one whom I trust and love.  

I want to be Love.  I want to live with open hands.  I want to live with a heart willing to be broken.  I want to enjoy the pain and the glory of Love.  I want Him.

I care not today what the morrow may bring,

If shadow or sunshine or rain,

The Lord I know ruleth o’er everything,

And all of my worries are vain.

Living by faith in Jesus above,

Trusting, confiding in His great love;

From all harm safe in His sheltering arm,

I’m living by faith and feel no alarm.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for;  the evidence of things not seen"....Hebrews 11:1